I Felt Nothing.

Ah, springtime.

That glorious time of the year where our earth seems to be young and alive. Flowers blooming. Sun shining. Birds singing. Weddings galore. Love is in the air.

Except when it isn’t.

The text came in the middle of the night “[B] is getting married Friday…” followed by some additional irrelevant information.

And I felt nothing.

Truth be told, my marriage isn’t something I tend to discuss openly or freely with others.

Honestly, if faced with a question on it, I typically make some joke about living two “separate lives” – the division between “teacher Hannah” (Good ole Ms. E) and “real-life Hannah” – followed by how my marriage and name change allowed me the opportunity to pursue this double-agent lifestyle.

Or, I will make a quirky remark about how it funded the world’s most expensive keychain. (To those of you wondering – it’s true. I have no idea why, but for a decade strong that sucker has remained on my keychain. Possibly as an ode to my laziness. Or perhaps to serve as a reminder to slow things down. Or maybe even for my sorry attempts to pawn it off to happy couples at bars who have those sunshine, springtime smiles in their eyes – dancing to their own lovers ballad. “I can give you a really great deal, you know. ;)”)

But, the truth is. It happened. It stemmed from a truly good place. It was an act of impulse and passion. Impulse and passion that was followed by months of heartache, fear, and pain.

It was watching disease overtake someone.

It was the repercussions of being unable to assist as it slowly consumed a man.

A mind.

A marriage.

A family.

However, in no way was I entirely innocent in the ending of my marriage. We were simply two young imperfect people. Challenged with the never-ending obstacles that life throws at you. All without a solid foundation to fall back on.

Like a house built on top of quicksand we crumbled back into the earth. Until there was simply nothing. No ruins to speak of. No ghosts of relationships past. Simply a clean slate.

We danced our marvelous dance around the sun – and then it was over. The curtain closed. END SCENE.

“[B] is getting married Friday…”

And I felt nothing.

Now, feeling nothing when faced with news like that doesn’t necessarily strike me as natural. I began asking myself questions – am I angry? Am I upset? Am I happy he is on the path to his own happiness? No? Nothing? Am I a sociopath? How in the world does one feel nothing over this kind of news?

Perhaps it is because, in the words of the ever popular Frozen anthem, I have officially made like Elsa and Let it Go… ;)

You see. Since my divorce. I haven’t felt nothing. On the contrary, I have felt everything.

I have felt tall – hiking solo to the tops of various lush peaks, waterfalls, and deserts. Looking down on the Earth in all of its majesty.

I have felt powerful - traveling solo around the globe, experiencing different communities and cultures, and making invaluable connections and memories.

I have felt love – even though it doesn’t always last forever. Those who come into your life to love you at the right moment in time, are always the right people for the job.

I have felt fear – waltzing ungracefully into my greatest fears of less than favorable health situations, and learning how to cope with my phobias.

I have felt comfort – learning how to live (and honestly, to be) alone, and take comfort in myself.

I have felt support – my friends, family, and colleagues rank among the best in the world, y’all.

I have felt decisive – deciding, to make two cross country moves in a year to chase my desires and dreams – despite my indecisive nature. And making Seattle into a home.

I have felt hope – hope that every decision I have made to this point is the right one, and even if it isn’t, hope that it will all work out in the end.

I have felt infinite – standing on the edge of the earth – seemingly on a piece of glass, staring into the stillness – where time, too, stands still.

I have felt closure – many years ago, while ugly crying into my palms at Wanderlust during pigeon pose, as the instructor repeated a new mantra “it was never yours to carry, let it go.”

And when my tears dried,

I felt nothing.

Because I let it go.

We are the sum of our experiences, inhaled into our being, and exhaled through our actions.

If you inhale positivity, you will exhale excellence.

If you foster negative feelings, your actions will surely begin to mirror them.

If you harbor negative emotions from your past, and hold onto these feelings. The inability to move forward in life will hold onto you.

Inhale. Exhale.

Let it go.

And in feeling nothing, on that edge of infinity, you may just feel everything.

<3 With mindful love in Seattle, WA